Well, it looks like what I've been kind of dreading is about to take place. The details are not firm and it's not set in stone but the beginning stages have started. I have already started making some plans, but I'm not sure now that it would be in my best interest to follow through on a few ideas I had. To say I'm a bit anxious and a little depressed today is an understatement. After going through something similar nearly 10 years ago that took years for me to really get over- here I go again. Today I'm scared, worried, and feeling a bit too tired and defeated to look to the future.
What is funny about this whole post is that if you knew me like most of my friends, family, and acquaintances you would be surprised about what I'm saying today. Most consider me calm, steady, and hopeful. Sure I suffer from depression, but most of the time I suffer in secret about that. I don't go around a lot of people when I'm feeling really down.
Another thing that is pressing on my mind and heart is my inability to conceive. We've been trying steadily for about 4 years now, maybe even longer. A lot of people don't know this but I had a miscarriage in early spring 2000. I didn't go to the hospital or anything but when it happened I just knew that was what it was. I'd never experienced anything like it before and I was at work when it happened. My husband was still in Sweden at that time (I had just moved back here 2 months earlier) and I had to call my parents to come and get me as I couldn't drive. I could barely even walk. There are quite a few women that I know that are pregnant right now or have just had a baby and even though I'm excited and happy for them I can't help but feel a bit sad. I had a friend and also a relative comment to me lately about it and they said that some people were not meant to have children and that it might not be in God's plan for me to have one. Although I'm sure they meant well by saying this to me it was not encouraging or comforting to say the least. The part that they said 'not meant to have children' actually hurt quite a bit.
One last note on this post is probably the biggest reason for my feelings today. I recently found out that a dear friend has passed on. I'm going to devote a full post to his memory but I want it to be more of a tribute to this brilliant man's life. Today I just couldn't do it the justice it deserves.
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1 comment:
Oh, Lainey, I wish I could give you a big hug. I know it's hard, especially when everyone else around you thinks your strong. You will be in my prayers.
Love,
Bon
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